CONFESSIONS OF A CHARACTER SL*T
By Jennifer Howard

******

**The following article appeared in the September 2003 of the Calgary RWA Chapter's newsletter, The Writer's Saddle. Permission is granted to sister RWA chapters.

Yeah, you heard me right. I sold POVs to any character that entered the
story just so I could reach The End easier. I traded good story lines for bad motivation. Any character’s conflict was worth putting on the page because then I would have, tah-dah, a long story and there would be, well, conflict.

Yes, I sold my soul to reach happily ever after.

I became a character puritan a few years ago in a feeble attempt to tidy up my writing. I became a born-again writer. The plan worked, to a limit. I created character chart after character chart but there was still an elusive something I kept missing.

I love character driven stories. I love the angst of a hero who is so
tortured you wonder if he’ll ever see the light of day and the heroine who shows him the sun. Once I was able to say that I knew my characters. I had lied to others and, more importantly, to myself.

My current manuscript has proven that to me.

I realized something was wrong when I began to struggle with my hero. He’s alpha, he’s alone and he doesn’t bend on anything, for anyone – especially the heroine. I didn’t understand why until, out of total desperation, I asked him one question: why had he left his home for twelve years. I then proceeded to get a five page, single-spaced answer.

My hero has gone through many variations since his conception but he has always held back that one key element that made him a hero. I needed to know what the heck I was going to do with my uber-alpha, stubborn, elusive hero.
Now I know.

I've done character interviews before in an attempt to get to know their voice. Those who know me have seen me sweat through a character chart. I never, however, dug deep enough to get to the heart and soul of a character.
Now, I wonder why I had avoided doing so.

I was afraid to know their deep, dark secrets. My hero is tortured. He is emotionally tortured because of his feelings for the heroine and their past.
I'm going to have to go to the dark side to learn about this mysterious man who sees himself beyond saving. The dark part of a character is scary. I know his fears and in my mind a hero was never supposed to be terrified. A little afraid, sure, but terrified? Not just no but capital N capital O.
Why? Because he was supposed to be strong, the knight in shining armor. I know, I know - Duh, Jenn.

When my hero finished answering my one question, my one simple question, my hands were shaking. I felt ill at what I had typed and what had come from me, from him. I phoned Katalin, my writing support system, and read what I wrote. The silence at the end of my five pages told me everything. I had him. There were no usual questions of _Yes, but why?_ or an iffy _Well, okay_. Katalin finally said, in an almost dazed amazement, _I get him. Now he’s a hero. Now I want him to win. Now I understand him._ I did too.
Lowell, my hero, had taken my hand and led me into his nightmares, into that abyss even he never acknowledged and showed me his soul.

Days later when I read the answer again, my hero’s life story actually, my hands still shook and my stomach got a little twinge of pain and panic.

I have to know - can I save him? Can my heroine? The two of us need to take his hand and pull him from the emotional dungeon where he has imprisoned himself because he deserves to see the light.

I missed that in my growing years as a writer. I focused so much on learning the craft that I missed the obvious. A story isn't worthy of being called a story if I'm not honest with my characters. I have to be, otherwise I'm unworthy of writing their stories. I learned more about myself and my writing with that one little question than I had expected. Would I have written the story without visiting Lowell 's hell? Of course. Would I have known my hero? I can answer honestly and say no. I never would have known what makes him tick, what makes him wake up every morning and sweat through the day.

I learned one thing on my journey with Lowell . I learned that character
charts are useless if I don't ask that one question we're both afraid of. I learned that there are very dark places in my characters and if they're brave enough to show them to me, I must do them the honor of writing the truth for them. We, my characters and I, deserve that much.

Jennifer is a writer who has ink in her veins and words in her head. Not yet published, she has big dreams upon being published that include upgrading her operating system, telling her grade 7 English teacher _I can so do it.
Now, about that bad mark you gave me..._ and taking a nap when she finishes her current wip.